He wanted to know if she liked peaches or plums. He wanted to know what or who made her smile like that. Was it a memory from last week, last year or childhood? He watched as a small frown played across her face, then faded to a beautiful blush that shyly spread across her cheeks. He wanted to move to her side, take her hand and whisper in her ear “ What are you remembering?” and then have her share it with him. He wanted to follow her home and look in her kitchen window as she emptied her bag. He needed to know if she had chicken or beef or fish.
He wanted to be her friend, her lover, her son. He wanted to be the one she was thinking about when she smiled that way. He wanted to make her blush. He watched as she slowly closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her chest filled with new air and then emptied. He wanted her to look at him. He wanted her to know that he was a monster. He was guilty of terrible, wicked acts. He knew she would understand. He willed her to look at him. He wanted her to see him and all that he was and wasn’t. He wanted her to see into him. He wanted to see into her.
She returned from her memories when the next stop announcement was made. She slowly raised her eyes to see if any one had caught her reminiscing. He willed her to look at him. It was imperative that she look at him. He needed her to see him.
‘Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me’
Her eyes moved in his direction. He shook with fear. The train lurched and she quickly caught her tipping bag. He wanted to scream. She had not seen him. He watched as she gathered her groceries and stood.
'Look at me!'
She moved towards him, eyes straight ahead. His moment of redemption was passing. The train stopped and he lowered his head as the other passengers departed. She paused beside him. He saw three perfect plums in her bag. He looked up and there she was smiling down at him. He looked into her eyes.
All was forgiven.
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