Let's Make Limoncello!

this is an un-zested lemon.

OK, so remember back when you were 8 and needed some spending money for cigarettes and firecrackers? What was a kid who didn't get an allowance to do? Set up a lemonade stand, of course. You got out the card table, a lawn chair, a few hastily made signs, your Mom made a pitcher of Kool-Aid or some lemonade, and you sat on the side of the road and looked pleadingly at passers-by. If you were lucky like me, you lived on a very small street, with very nice people, and at the end of the day you and your bestie, mine was Ginny McDonald, each had a dollar or two to spend at the 5 & 10. 

     But let's face it; we aren't 8 anymore, and we now spend our dollars on booze and hookers. Or so I've heard. However, we still like lemonade and spending time with besties sitting on the side of the road waiting for someone to pay us for whatever it is we are selling.... I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, lemonade. I don't really like lemonade. It's too lemony. Go figure. But, I do like grown-up lemonade, which brings me to the point of this post: Limoncello, the best thing to come out of Italy since gelato, pasta, crusty bread, marinara, mozzarella, Marcello Masrtroianni, parmesan, espresso, cappuccino, Leonardo da Vinci, olive oil, risotto, Raoul Bova, and of course, PIZZA!

     Anywho, I bought some Limoncello last summer and LOVED it, some might say a little too much. It was gone waaaay to soon, and I was left with nothing more than a slight hangover, an empty bottle, and a hankerin’ for some more! Being the masochist that I am, I denied myself the pleasure of a second bottle and instead vowed that I would make my own someday. Well that day is here. Unfortunately this shit takes 90 days to make. 90. 9-0. Ninety. So let’s get started, shall we?

     First, gather the necessary equipment: microplane zester (or a peeler if you are low-tech and really bored), a one gallon jug/jar/vessel with a tight fitting lid. For the ingredients you will need: 2 750ml bottles of Everclear or other grain alcohol. If grain alcohol is not available where you live, move or just buy 2 bottles of mid-grade vodka.

17-20 super clean lemons. Most lemons are covered in food grade wax (yum). Wash your lemons vigorously with warm soapy water. Look for smooth lemons, and if they are small go with 20 each. Eventually you will need sugar, but not right now.

this is a zested lemon. see? still yellow.

     OK, zest the lemons. Simple, right? Nope. Nothing is ever as simple as it sounds. You want to make sure you do not get ANY of the white pith in with the zest. You are literally taking only the micro-thin layer of yellow zest from the lemon. If you use a micro-plane, one pass over the blades is all you will do. Do not double-zest the same spot, or you will suffer the consequences later. Yellow ONLY. Pith makes for bitter Limoncello, and who wants that? The lemon should still look a little yellow when you are done. If you are using a peeler, your life will be miserable for the next 2 hours. Peel the lemon, then go back with a sharp paring knife and remove the pith from the peels. This will suck. Just go to Bed, Bath and Beyond, and buy a damn micro-plane. It is one of the best purchases you will make this year. Seriously. $15 bucks. Boom.

    OK, do you have your zest and booze? Good. Now combine them in the gallon-sized jar and give it a shake. Done. See? Was that so hard? Now just put the jar someplace dark and fugetaboutit for 45 days. During the first week, give it a shake every couple of days, then after that just let it sit there and soak up the lemony goodness.

    Fast Forward 45 Days…..

    Now we sweeten the pot. Bring 5 cups of water to a boil (use bottled water if you have stinky, or overtreated water. You know what, just use bottled water. It’s nice and filtered and won’t accidentally contribute anything to your concoction.) Turn of the heat and add 3 ½ cups of plain old sugar. Give it a stir, and once the sugar is all dissolved and the liquid is at room temp, add it to the lemon/booze jar and give it a good shake. Put the jar back in the closet for 45 more days. This is killing you, isn’t it?

     Fast Forward 45 Days…..

     Now we strain. Get some coffee filters, a strainer, and a funnel. Give the jar a shake to loosen up the gunk, and pour it through the strainer into a clean jar or bowl or whatever you have. Dump out the crap in the strainer. Next, put a coffee filter in the aforementioned strainer, and ladle the booze in and watch it drip. Do the entire batch. This will suck time from your life, but it is necessary. All done? Great! Now do it again…. 2 more times. Stop crying. Just think how rewarding this will be, and how lusciously drunk you will get when you finally get to drink some in another week or so. That’s right. Once it is all strained and put in pretty bottles, you move it back to the closet to mellow for at least a week or two. I recommend putting it in someone else’s closet no less than 5 miles away, to prevent accidental tasting.

     Once it is nice and mellow, pop it in the freezer to chill some more, get it?... ‘chill’ some more?? Then invite your friends over, grab some ice and sip the sunny, lemony, sweet, lusciousness that is Limoncello. I like to pour in a splash of seltzer to give it a little fizz. Don’t invite too many friends, or boozehounds, or you won’t have any left after just one night. Then you will have to make it all over again.

     Or, you could just go to the store and buy a bottle. But where’s the fun in that?

{I am lucky and have access to frozen, high quality zest. you are sooo jealous right now.}